A young man RJ discipled for a summer took his own life two days ago. RJ spent the summer with him in Estes Park as his team leader for 10 weeks three summers ago. That summer, I visited three times because RJ and I had just started dating, and a lot of people who I really love were going. Because RJ was his “spiritual dad” for the summer, I remember assuming the role of “mom” to him and his teammate. I remember RJ telling me about how Salvie was doing well, was excited about getting in the Word, how he wanted to meet with RJ twice a week for discipleship, how he frequently gathered men and women for day trips out hiking, I just remember him doing WELL. RJ said he reminded him of a “more macho, younger version” of him. After Estes Park, when I’d see Salvie at Navigators events, I would always make a point to check up on him because of the bond developed through RJ, and then share with RJ how his “kids” were.
I remember one particular conversation I had with him at Navigators road trip after STP, where he shared that he was struggling with his walk with Jesus, he was having the hardest time he ever had with school and grades (he was pretty driven and had perfect grades), etc. I remember brushing it off, thinking it was just a temporary thing, thinking it would pass.
The next time RJ met with Salvi was the summer we got married. They went to a shooting range together, and Salvie seemed fine. Then, the last time they met Salvie shared with RJ how he felt God had deserted him, and that he could almost pinpoint when it began. He shared how he felt God was asking him to obey, but he refused to listen. The more he refused to listen, the more he had driven a wedge between him and God. RJ spoke truth to him, that God is ALWAYS with him no matter what, and that all he needed was to turn back to God. That was the last time they talked.
We received the news today from his Navs campus director and discipler at UCSD, right before we were supposed to begin our group’s Saturday morning photo scavenger hunt. RJ and I were both pretty shaken up. His discipler made it a point to tell RJ that he had never seen Salvi thrive as much as he did when he was there at Estes Park. I know that was an encouragement to RJ, as the natural response to such an event is, “What could I have done differently?”
People always wonder how anyone could feel such hopelessness and despair as to take their own life. As someone who has struggled with severe depression and probably will again, I really do understand that hopelessness and despair that lead to the contemplation of life and death. But I wonder if despair and hopelessness is a natural part of life, that there are seasons of mourning and seasons of joy, that God leads us in the wilderness just to show us more of Himself. If we look in the Psalms of King David, he definitely had those times of hopelessness, but he almost always ends in looking to God as his final thread of hope. What about those who don’t have God, or believe He’s deserted you? Without Jesus, there really is no hope. Without Jesus, maybe the greatest comfort is death.
I am thankful Salvie is with Jesus. I am thankful he is free from mourning, free from hopelessness, free from despair. I’m thankful that he will finally know Jesus was always at his side, and He will always be at his side for eternity.
- RJ’s group at STP Estes Park summer 07 – Salvie, RJ, and Ryan
