:: Rest ::

Last night, RJ and I had the wonderful treat of visiting the San Marcos Summer Training Program. We got to catch up with some of our students, my bro, and staff, meet new faces, and sit through one of their large group nights. Oh wait, and did I forget to mention partake in like four games of Werewolf???  (Think Mafia, for those of you who are unfamiliar with Werewolf. It was totally the game of summer 2009).

Anyways, Tim Chou led a discussion on rest, which I TOTALLY needed! As per my last post, last quarter was THE hardest, THE most trying quarter for me, academically, emotionally, and physically. Now RJ totally called me out as a hypocrite, since I am usually on him, other staff, and students for not resting enough (I am referred to as the “Rest Nazi” in my little Nav circle), but I definitely did not take adequate time to rest for myself at ALL last quarter. And I definitely felt it.

One of the passages we read came from Genesis 2, when God takes a Sabbath day and declared it holy after creating the world and everything in it. One of the students wondered out loud whether He did that for Himself, or if He did that for the rest of us, to have an example of what it looks like to rest and the necessity of rest. I am still wondering about that today! I mean, it is not as though God is weak, in that He has infinite strength and power. But it means a lot to me that God, the one who makes the world run and keeps everything in harmony, even God took a day off to admire the beauty of His creation. Who am I to think the world will not keep running if I take time to rest? And how much beauty have I missed out on and failed to appreciate because I have not taken the time to slow down and look for it?

The second passage we read was Psalm 127:1-2, which says, “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.”

Verse 2 particularly stands out to me, probably because I love descriptive phrases. They just help me understand biblical concepts better. =) But how many times have I sacrificed sleep this quarter, staying up late and waking up early just to get things done? How many days have I eaten the bread of anxious toil, allowing myself to be sustained by worry? Yuckers! That is no way to live! I just imagine that the bread of anxious toil is like an extra sour sourdough, except totally not delicious and making you feel completely sick afterwards. But that is what I have been doing! I have been rejecting the pure and wholesome rest God offers and choosing to sustain myself with worry, choosing to labor in vain. How would this quarter have looked differently if I had trusted God, if I had taken Him at His word that rest is a gift rather than a hindrance from getting things done? I probably would have been a LOT happier, a LOT more positive, better able to bless others, able to see the beauty around me, etc.

I am totally finding in my week off that I don’t know how to rest, like I have forgotten how to! I am already working on assignments for some of my summer classes, stuffing my face with this bread of anxious toil. STOPPPP, Alice!! I mean, luckily it hasn’t been a complete bust. Here are some things I HAVE done to rest thus far:

1. Massage/facial. Thank you, Groupon!

2. Conquered New Super Mario Brothers for Wii with RJ…along with the secret world!

3. Binging on Netflix and Lost

4. X-Men First Class date with RJ!

5. Visited the kiddos at STP and got my Werewolf on.

6. Started working with my guy, Shaun T and Insanity again! Hopefully I’ll get rid of some of the grad school hips. =P

It’s kind of a bummer that I’m thinking about these things AFTER the quarter from hell is over, but luckily, I still have summer session and three more quarters to test out God’s theory on rest. I will update you and let you know if He’s right! =)

:: Happy 2010! ::

Here is my yearly “goodbye old year” and “hello new year” post!

Highlights and Events of 2009:

1. Kicked off an amazing and fruitful ministry at UC Riverside, and are blessed with regulars who we absolutely love and adore!

2. I re-enrolled as a post-”bachelorette” at Cal State San Bernardino to take classes I need to apply for my Master’s in clinical counseling. Go Coyotes!…?

3. RJ and I have gotten into a sweet groove of balancing ministry and marriage, having worked out a ton of the newlywed kinks the first few months of marriage. We’re better communicators, we are more mindful of the other’s needs and desires, we see Jesus more through each other…it’s just what I imagined partnership in marriage and in Christ to be! And it’s SO MUCH fun!! =)

4. RJ himself is quite a gift to me. He is patient, loving, kind, thoughtful, he speaks truth when I need to hear it, he has so much depth to him, loves Jesus and others well, sees the best in others, and the longer I’m with him the more I fall in love with him. Plus he is good looking and manly. =)

5. We went to our first marriage retreat in 2009 and were blessed by the knowledge and experience and wisdom of others who have been on the road longer than we have.

6. I found a delicious chocolate chip cookie recipe that is AMAZING. Chewy, like store bought ones! Jenny made me make them 3 times when we were in San Diego on break.

7. I threw up three times in 2009. I haven’t thrown up since 2002 or something! Twice was food poisoning, once was the flu. Booooo! But I’m slowly getting over my phobia of throwing up.

8. We were able to go “home” to Rochester, NY! Well, it’s my hometown anyways. We were able to visit Weggies, eat garbage plates (yuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!!), and I was able to show RJ my old house, high school, and church, not to mention catch up with some really amazing people!

9. RJ and I were asked to be my youth group’s summer retreat speakers! My church and another church in the area joined forces to make a super retreat, and the topic was Inside Out: Gospel Transformation. What an honor! And we had such a wonderful time with the youth and were so welcomed by them. And lemme tell you, they are WAY more well-behaved than the youth when I was in youth group! We were so naughty.

10. We went on a mini-vacation to Toronto, where my family used to vacation at least once or twice a year. I took RJ to all the places we used to go to. We visited the Royal Ontario Museum and saw the Dead Sea Scrolls, the Toronto Zoo, the CN Towers, watched a Blue Jay’s game, went to Chinatown, Pacific Mall, and the Ontario Science Museum. We also stopped by Niagara Falls on the way up, and I was finally able to go on the Maid in the Mist, the boat that takes you right by the falls!

11. We were able to lead a team at a Summer Training Program on Marriage, Sex, Dating, and the Gospel at Cal State San Marcos for 2 weeks. It was way fun, and we learned a lot and were able to process through a lot of valuable insights!

12. My grandpa passed away on Thanksgiving. =(

13. I made it halfway up the C hike at UCR…this year I’m hoping to make it all the way up!

14. I completed the Cheeburger Cheeburger challenge! Whooo!!! Success!! =)

15. I learned how to make barbeque pulled pork. I can’t believe how simple and cheap it is, I feel ripped off all those times I paid for a barbeque pulled pork sandwich!

16. We became credit card debt free!! FREEDOM!!! =)

17. We have babies, thanks to Alli. =)

18. Did I mention we’re published in The Knot: Southern California Spring/Summer 2010 magazine??? =) =)

19. I got my hair permed for the first time EVER. Will probably do it again too!

20. We dressed up as cows to get a free meal at Chick Fil A. Yes, those are baby bottle nipples taped to styrofoam plates. What now!

21. We went to the weddings of four couples we love and adore! Two couples were RJ’s cousins!

22. Saw Common perform at UCR…you know…the guy from Terminator Salvation?? And Ben Lee.

23. Roadtripped with 11 students to Sacramento in October…crazy fun!

24. Played violin with me pa at Good Friday service.

25. Did we mention we bought a house?? =) God, in His grace, decided to bless us with the perfect little house! We were able to see God throughout the entire process, and know this is exactly where He wants us! Check out our updated video tour!

26. I was able to start using our Crockpot and KitchenAid mixer, along with unpacking tons of other wedding gifts we weren’t able to use because of storage! I LOOOOVE it!!

27. We went back to Destin, FL for our collegiate staff conference. What a beautiful location!

28. RJ was able to bring out the inner handyman that was dormant while we lived in the apartment complex because now we don’t have a Tony (the handyman at the apartment) to call when we have problems! RJ has hooked up our gas washer and dryer and fixed a leaky bath spigot…what a manly man! =)

29. I am continuing to see God’s perfect timing of His plan and will for our lives, and that we just need to be patient and wait for Him to work and not try to make things happen by settling for less than the best.

30. As I grow older, my view of God’s love has expanded, as has my view of my depravity…resulting in my view of God’s grace to increase all the more.

Resolutions for 2010:

1. Health: Always health! But after being sick so long after food poisoning, I’m realizing I need to strengthen my immune system and be proactive about my health! I’m resolving to be more active, to eat better, to stop drinking Diet Coke (I’ve been clean for about 3 weeks now!), and to drink more water. I’m doin pretty well so far!

2. God: I want to be more consistent in times with Jesus, so I’ve resolved to read the entire New Testament in three months. That’s about 6 pages per day. Now, I’m a pretty slow reader but I’m doing pretty well so far! I also want to get back into journaling daily like I used to and chronicling all of life’s events. A great quote from the staff conference in Sandestin: “Don’t coast on the passions of your youth.” Guilty!

3. Get into grad school!! Well, is this really a resolution? It’s what I hope to see happen in 2010!

4. Encourage more, serve more, love more. No regrets!

5. Keep in better touch with people. I really suck at it!

There are probably many more highlights and events in 2009 that I forgot, and more things I will need to resolve to do, but this is it for now! Hope you stuck with me the entire way through! =) Happy new year!

:: Suicide ::

A young man RJ discipled for a summer took his own life two days ago.  RJ spent the summer with him in Estes Park as his team leader for 10 weeks three summers ago.  That summer, I visited three times because RJ and I had just started dating, and a lot of people who I really love were going.  Because RJ was his “spiritual dad” for the summer, I remember assuming the role of “mom” to him and his teammate.  I remember RJ telling me about how Salvie was doing well, was excited about getting in the Word, how he wanted to meet with RJ twice a week for discipleship, how he frequently gathered men and women for day trips out hiking, I just remember him doing WELL.  RJ said he reminded him of a “more macho, younger version” of him.  After Estes Park, when I’d see Salvie at Navigators events, I would always make a point to check up on him because of the bond developed through RJ, and then share with RJ how his “kids” were.

I remember one particular conversation I had with him at Navigators road trip after STP, where he shared that he was struggling with his walk with Jesus, he was having the hardest time he ever had with school and grades (he was pretty driven and had perfect grades), etc.  I remember brushing it off, thinking it was just a temporary thing, thinking it would pass.

The next time RJ met with Salvi was the summer we got married.  They went to a shooting range together, and Salvie seemed fine.  Then, the last time they met Salvie shared with RJ how he felt God had deserted him, and that he could almost pinpoint when it began.  He shared how he felt God was asking him to obey, but he refused to listen.  The more he refused to listen, the more he had driven a wedge between him and God.  RJ spoke truth to him, that God is ALWAYS with him no matter what, and that all he needed was to turn back to God.  That was the last time they talked.

We received the news today from his Navs campus director and discipler at UCSD, right before we were supposed to begin our group’s Saturday morning photo scavenger hunt.  RJ and I were both pretty shaken up.  His discipler made it a point to tell RJ that he had never seen Salvi thrive as much as he did when he was there at Estes Park.  I know that was an encouragement to RJ, as the natural response to such an event is, “What could I have done differently?”

People always wonder how anyone could feel such hopelessness and despair as to take their own life.  As someone who has struggled with severe depression and probably will again, I really do understand that hopelessness and despair that lead to the contemplation of life and death.  But I wonder if despair and hopelessness is a natural part of life, that there are seasons of mourning and seasons of joy, that God leads us in the wilderness just to show us more of Himself.  If we look in the Psalms of King David, he definitely had those times of hopelessness, but he almost always ends in looking to God as his final thread of hope.  What about those who don’t have God, or believe He’s deserted you?  Without Jesus, there really is no hope.  Without Jesus, maybe the greatest comfort is death.

I am thankful Salvie is with Jesus.  I am thankful he is free from mourning, free from hopelessness, free from despair.  I’m thankful that he will finally know Jesus was always at his side, and He will always be at his side for eternity.

RJ’s group at STP Estes Park summer 07 – Salvie, RJ, and Ryan